This fall has been a time of reflection and transition for me. Enzo started 1st grade, Sal started preschool,my nephew had brain surgery, a friend had a brain aneurysm, we had a history making election and the economy went to shit.
It has been an emotional roller coaster so far. Having loved ones in the hospital and an economy dangling over the edge has made me slow down and think a lot. Lately the conversation around our house has been about money. It sucks. We are broke. I quit my full time job in 2005 and we have been struggling since. It has been hard but so worth it for our family. Last year I was lucky enough to have consistent consulting gigs that I did from home so the extra money kept us a float. I haven't had a paying gig since the spring and so we are now feeling the pinch having gone through the summer without any extra cash. Now of course the holidays are coming and the stress is building.
So the talk about me getting a job has resurfaced. I have such mixed feelings about it. I want to work but I don't want to give up being with my kids after school. It seemed so much easier back when Enzo was younger and in daycare and preschool. Now that he is in 1st grade and I have two kids it all seems more complicated. In order for me to go back to work full time outside of the home I would need to pay for after school care for Enzo and find a full time preschool for Sal. Ideally I would work from 9-2 so I could pick them up after school and be able to be home so Enzo could do his homework and school projects before dinner. I thought this would all get easier when they entered school but it is actually much more complicated.
I feel guilty for not working because we are struggling. I will feel guilty if I have to work full time because the our lives will become so rushed again. damned if you do, damned if you don't. I know either way everyone will be fine but it is such a hard call to make.