Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Letting go

My oldest son is 4. He doesn't turn 5 until October so he will not be eligable to start kindergarten until he turns 6 because their cut off is Sept 1. I was a bit bummed when I found out he couldn' go. He seems ready and honestly I was looking forward to it being free and not having to pay for preschool. I have heard from some people it is better for them to start a year later (especially boys) because they just are not quite ready for it at the age of 5. I am starting to understand why. I have to admit something now - I am afraid of public school. I went to public school from first grade all the way to graduation so this is not coming from someone who was privately schooled or anything. I am simply afraid of letting go of my little boy. I am afraid of watching him walk in those doors a sensitive, creative and compasionate little boy and walk out a jaded, pushy, misbehaving one who knows too much too fast.

My son has recently been associating with another child who started kindergarten this year. Before that when they hung out I did not notice the difference in their age. Now when they hang out I see what a difference there is between age 4 and age 6. Today I took him to the park to play and we ran into this other child who was also at the park with her kindergarten class. The other children were just wild playing on the playground and several times I saw my son get pushed around. Not on purpose or anything but it gave me a glimpse of what things could be like in the future. I felt for the first time this overwhelming need to protect my child from the world. Two of the children ( a boy and a girl) were chasing each other. The girl said to the boy "come on let's go under here to do it." The boy said "no. people will see us. Let's wait and do it on the bus." Then she ran away and as she did he yelled at her "I already got my first kiss anyway and it was from a boy." It was at this moment I decided to home school my children (half joking)

Then I had one of the sweetest moments of my life. My Son was showing his older friend he could climb up this tall ladder. She climbed way ahead of him to the top as I noticed his shoe lace was untied. I stopped him so I could tie his shoe. She sat at the top calling to him "come on up. what is taking you so long?" My young son (without any hesitation or embarrassment) simply called back to her "Hold on. My mommy is tying my shoe first." I felt so proud and then realized that if this were to happen a few years from now he probably would have said to me "come on mom - just let me go" instead. But for now he didn't. For now he is still my little boy who loves to give me hugs and hold my hand when we walk. Who gets shy around new kids and new places and likes to stay close to me. I will cherish these moments forever because I can already feel them slowly slipping away.

I am not naive. I am not one who thinks the world is that different from when I was growing up. Most people my age seem to forget what it was like when they were kids. I grew up fast and saw and did things at an age that even most of my friends now did not do. I don't expect to make my kids live in plastic bubbles (although I would love to at times) but I did not expect to have to confront my first step of letting go so soon. I am so thankful now he can't attend kindergarten this fall. I get one more year of him being all mine. Where my influences still rule and where I am his world.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

8 hours of heaven

Last night I slept 8 hours in a row! It is the first time in 9 months this has happened. I don't know why. I am not even asking. I do not expect it to ever happen again but I am going to enjoy it. I put him to bed at about 7:00. We heard him wake up a little bit around 9:00pm but he put himself back to sleep. Around 1:30am I heard him wake up so I went downstairs to use the bathroom before I settled in for my usually middle of the night feeding. Except this time when I came back upstairs I did not hear him. He must have fallen back to sleep. I quietly climbed back into bed and the next time I opened my eyes it was almost 7am. I am in shock still as I type this. Big change from the every 2 hours he has been doing.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006


Q: Who's bed did you sleep in last night?
A: Mine

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
A: Sage green

Q: Do you have any pets?
A: A dog Silis who does not live with me.

Q: Most recent movie that you watched?
A: Oh my gosh I really don't think I have one. I was watching Sex in the City DVDs 9 months ago when I went into labor with my second son. I have not watched one since then because I haven't had evenings to watch them in.

Q: Name 3 things that you have on you all the time:
A: Diaper bag, cell phone, graham crackers

Q: What's the color of your bedsheets?
A: Tan

Q: How much cash do you have on you right now?
A: $15

Q: What were you doing at midnight last night?
A: sleeping

Q: What's your favorite part of the chicken?
A: I don't eat meat

Q: What's your favorite town / city?
A: San Francisco

Q: How did your last relationship end?
A: over lunch

Q: I can't wait to ...
A: Sleep more than 3 hour stretches.

Q: When was the last time you saw your dad?
A: December

Q: How long have you been at your current job?
A: 3 months

Q: What's the last thing you said out loud?
A: "Yes I see what Sal has now. He is fine"

Q: Look to your left. What's there?
A: My two kids

Q: What is the last thing/person you spent over $100 on?
A: My house

Q: Who's your favorite villain?
A: Vampire Lestat

Q: What's the last piece of clothing you loaned to someone?
A: A bunch of maternity clothes to a friend of mine.

Q: What web site(s) do you visit the most during the day?
A: SF Gate,

Q: If you could drink anything right now what would it be?
A: Beer

Q: Does anything hurt on your body right now?
A: No

Q: What city was your last taxi cab ride in?
A: Burlington VT

Q: Do you own a picture phone?
A: No

Q: What's your favorite Starbucks drink?
A: Tall Coffee - black

Monday, February 13, 2006


I was putting Sal to bed when I heard Enzo had woken up. I finished putting Sal down and I went over to his bed to get him settled again. I told him it was time to go back to sleep. He said to me "Remember what I told you? I don't go to sleep until I forget I am in my bed."

Monday, February 06, 2006

take a moment

when days are long
and tears run far
and all seems to go wrong
just reach out.
Touch that sweet gentle face before you
wiggle their tiny toes
hug them tight and remember.
how little they once were
how much crazier things have been
how much you have learned
and how strong you now are

it is amazing
this trip we are on
when at times it seems so tough
I stop for a moment and smile
and I feel so thankful
for all I have
and for who I now am.

I try to remember

I try to remember who I used to be
Some days I feel like I am losing me
I have so many roles that I have to play
It would be so easy to walk away

Freedom is so easy to take for granted
The childless see things oh so slanted
I can recall the days of simple jest
Now all I pray for is a little rest

Take your freedom and fling it
I don't want to hear your moans
Of 2:00am jaunts and your tired groans
I am’ a kick ass girl livin in an ass kickin' world
I just want to believe / in something.

Music was always my inspiration
I still turn to it when I am frustrated
Or when I need to close my eyes and swim
Through an ocean of indie rock musical films

My dream is still strong
Despite that fact it has taken this long
For me to pick up my pen and write again.
Now that the momentum is flowing
I will try to keep going
And not lose site of the powers within.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Who knew?

I never imagined in a million years I would become an addict. A graham cracker addict that is. Graham crackers are the secret snack that many people do not know about. Low in fat but big on taste. It all started seconds after becoming a mom. After pushing for 5 hours to birth my first child I was exhausted and starving. The nurse brought me in a few packages of graham crackers from their kitchen. I had been on a strict diet with this pregnancy because I had gestational diabetes so these few graham crackers that I was now allowed was the sweetest thing I had put in my mouth in months.

I would not encounter the graham cracker again for a few years until Enzo grew older and started eating more snack foods. I started buying him a box or two as a treat. He ate very limited sugars growing up so like my first bite after giving birth these were a treat for him too. Our favorite brand was New Morning - no hydrogenated oils and sweetened with honey (you can find these in any health store) perfect I thought for my little guy. 4 years later I am still buying them. Enzo has sort of outgrown them though and I find that I am the main consumer these days. Because of this I have graduated to the cinnamon version which has just a touch of cinnamon and sugar on top.