Wednesday, May 31, 2006

My Mother

My mother is in the hospital. She went in last Saturday because her blood pressure was very low. She was having some pain in her back so they ended up doing a CT scan and first thought they saw something on her thyroid. After performing an ultrasound yesterday they have determined there is indeed something there that should not be but it is not on her thyroid. It is behind her breast bone. At this point we are not sure it is on a lymph node or not. They are biopising it today and we will then have to wait several days or more before we get the results back.

I am scared. I am trying to stay in the moment but it is hard. My mother is my best friend. She is my rock. Nothing can happen to her. Nothing.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Finish The Sentence Survey

Finish the sentence...
FINISH THE SENTENCE SURVEY courtesy of Nuclear Mom.

1) My uncle once... Took me moose hunting.

2) Never in my life... Did I imagine I would have this beautiful family.

3) When I was five... I thought the world was safe.

4) High School... I wish I could go back

5) I will never forget... Having surgery while 7 months pregnant.

6) I once met... James Hetfield

7) There's this girl I know who... Secretly watches America’s Next Top Model.

8) Once, at a bar... I was refused access because my license said my eyes were hazel and the bouncer thought my eyes looked blue. I pitched a fit and went back the next day to confront the owner. I was 21 at the time and it forced me to change my license to now say my eyes color is DIC which I guess means I have not particular eyed color because it can change.

9) By noon I'm usually... Ready for a nap.

10) Last night... I found out my mother is in the hospital.

11) If I only had... More energy.

12) Next time I go to church... I will pray for my mom.

13) Nick Devlin... ? what? who?

14) What worries me most... My children. I worry about their safety.

15) When I turn my head left... I see my book case and couch.

16) When I turn my head right... I see JB sitting at his computer.

17) You know I'm lying when... I can’t lie. Just look into my eyes.

18) What I miss most about the eighties... Metal bands

19) If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I'd be... Juliet

21) A better name for me would be... Super dishwasher, sweeper, diaper changer, hip huggin' rock lovin', straight shooter, fietsty italian/irish yellin' mama.

22) I have a hard time understanding... Child pornographers.

23) If I ever go back to school I'll... Get a degree in Nutrition.

24) You know I like you if... I let you take a drink of my beer.

25) If I won an award, the first person/people I'd thank would be... My Parents.

26) I can't live without... my family.

27) Take my advice, never... Lie. You will always get caught.

28) My ideal breakfast is... Eggs and Soyrizzo from Bitterroot in San Francisco.

30) If you visit my hometown... Don’t blink too fast or you will miss it.

31) Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars... Purple tulips are my favorite, character flaws are special, microchips will save the world, track star - whatever.

32) Why won't anyone... Stop this crazy war.

33) If you spend the night at my house... Be ready for good food and good beer.

34) Your momma... is an amazing.

35) The world could do without... George Bush.

36) I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than... have surgery while pregnant again.

37) My favorite blonde is... Drew Barrymore.

38) Paper clips are more useful than... guns.

39) If I do anything well... being creative

40) And by the way... Live each day through the eyes of a child. They do not worry about tomorrow. They do not remember yesterday. They only know today. We could all learn a lot from children. And speak up for what you believe in.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Little boy growing

So the sun finally decided to make an appearance today. It was quite nice. I took the boys to the beach and Enzo had fun digging for treasures. I have mentioned in previous posts about his recent curiosity in babies and baby related issues. So far I have been comfortable answering his questions. Today he stumped me. We were having lunch and he said "So, how exactly does the baby get into the Mommies belly?" I said, "Well Enzo that is a complicated question. We might want to wait until you are a bit older to talk about that." He replied "Daddy talks to me about complicated things though."

Yeah good point Enzo. Shit - what do I say now? I somehow dodged it and he moved on. My little guy is growing up and asking lots of questions that I am not ready for. What is happening? He is 4 1/2 going on 14.

I am not ready for this.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Gray Days

"Gray day . . . Everything is gray. I watch. But nothing moves today."

My Many Colored Days by Dr Seuss

This sums up my day today - actually the past few months. I am so tired of seeing clouds sand rain. It is weighing down my head, my body and my mind. I live in the Northeast so I wait all winter long to see the sun. This spring has simply sucked. It is memorial weekend next weekend and I can't remember having my windows open once this spring. My plants are water logged, my grass is water logged, we are all water logged. I have a new patio set I got for my birthday that has never felt a person sit on it. It is just soppy and sad.

I am feeling rather blah. Sorry for the depressing post today.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Happy Birthday To Me!

Today is my birthday.


That is about all I have to say about that.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

My wild weekend

Wow what a weekend. One of my bestest friends from NH came up for the weekend. We had such an amazing time. The last time she came up our way was probably close to 10 years ago. We talk weekly, email several times a week and I see her usually when I visit my family. She left her family behind and braved the rain to be with me for a birthday weekend celebration. My birthday is on Monday the 22nd. We got a bit of an early start. Of course it rained ALL weekend until Sunday after she left. I have a great deck and yard with a brand new patio set I got for my mother's day/birthday present. I have just been waiting for someone to come up so we could spend hours at night sitting outside chatting and sipping a few cocktails. Well it rained the entire time she was here. We made the best of it though and had a great time.

Forest is a friend I met in high school. When she moved to my school she was sporting a shaved head, flight jacket, mini skirt and combat boots. It wasn't in school where we me though. We both answered an ad for a record store that would be opening up in our town. We were both hired to start working before the store even opened it's doors. We could not have been more opposite. I was a bit of a hippy back then (ok a total hippy)and she was a punk. There we were forced to work together in this record store that she eventually became the manager of. We became fast friends and it has never slowed down. I eventually left town for college and a stint in CA but we held tight to our friendship. We have not let distance separate us at all.

When I left for college she gave me her beloved flight jacket to take with me. I don't know if any of you are familiar with these jackets but they are very important to punks and I still to this day don't know how she passed it on. But she did and I kept that thing with me every move I made. It is funny but we have not spoken about the jacket since she gave it to me.

Saturday night we are sitting in my kitchen and for some reason I thought to bring it up. I told her I still had the jacket and she just about dropped to the floor. When I brought it out from my closet she started crying. It was a beautiful moment. It was now time for the jacket to return home.

We stayed up too late and consumed too many beers but what fun we had. It was worth the pain I felt the next day. I did not want to let her leave on Sunday morning. So Forrest - thank you again. Thank you for buying me my ornamental grass for my garden, thanks for the Sierras and as always - thanks for listening, sharing and for that wonderful caring heart you have.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Update on head issue

Quick update:

Neurologist thinks my headaches are hormone related. Argh - that was my assumption. I should get paid a lot of money too. Anyway - the thought is that because I am in the process of weaning the baby my hormones are trying to get back to their pre pregnancy state. The Neurologist wants me to finish weaning, let me hormones get back on track and then see where I am at. I am glad we are on the same page at least. I wasn't expecting a magic pill nor did I really want to take one but it does suck that I have to suffer until the hormones calm down a bit.

On a brighter note - I am taking the advice of someone who posted a comment (thanks by the way) and I am going to see a Chiropractor on Monday (which is also my birthday - hooray to me). This Chiropractor also talks about nutrition exercise and the whole package. Funny that my regular Dr. has not asked me one singe time about my diet or exercise. I am not trying to diss mainstream MDs - I just have not had much luck with mine lately and feel like they could sometimes spend a bit more time looking at the person as a whole.

ok I am done ranting for today. One of my best friends from NH is coming up for a weekend visit. I am so excited! We are going to have early birthday celebrations for me. I love this girl. I will tell you about her later but we met working at record store high school. Off to finish cleaning my house before she comes.

Have a great weekend.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

This old house

Recently my children and I spent a week at my parents house while JB attended a class for work. This is the house I grew up in. It is an old New England home built in 1910. It is up for sale. I am quite sad. I never thought I would be so attached to this house until the time came when I realized it might not be there anymore. I guess I always expected it to be around. This was my first home. The only one I knew until I left home for college. Even then I returned a few times after college while I figured out what I wanted to do next.

Returning there with both of my children allowed me to view the house in a different light. I was able to see the house and yard with my youthful eyes for the first time in a long time. Watching Enzo explore the backyard which was once my stomping grounds was amazing. I wondered if he thought of it as big as I did back then. I wondered if he viewed the trees as an enormous forest that witnessed so many of our adventures. I showed him a section of the yard I called my secret space. We used to pretend it was our house. Really it was the underside of some large overhanging bushes with some granite slabs we called our kitchen table. He instantly became intrigued and crawled inside. The imagination began. "I am the father bear and you can be the mother bear" he tells me. "This will be our house and we can eat the berries off the trees as our food." he said. We sat out there while Sal napped upstairs in my old room.

I wanted to take it all back with me. We collected rocks and small pieces of granite to bring back and add to our garden. This would have to do for now.

This old house is more than a place I grew up. It represents many generations of my family. For my mother grew up just two house down. At one time all three houses next to each other were owned by my Mother's parents. My Uncle and Aunt also lived in my house at one time and eventually my parents bought it from my grandparents. My father's mother eventually moved into one of the family houses right next door before she passed away. My Nana and Papa (Salvatore’s namesake) who owned the other two houses next to mine have also died so those two houses were sold years ago. That transaction was tough to watch but when this one goes through it will be the end. The end of a family across two generations who raised children and lived lives. A place I call home and will always call home.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Happy Birthday Sal!

My little boy is 1 year old today.

Salvatore aka:

little guy
Ooba booba

Yes our little boy is now 1 year old. We had a wonderful weekend. Because today is also Mother's Day we decided to have a small celebration yesterday. My parents came up for the event and a few close friends joined us as well. We had a great time. Enzo helped me bake the cake. We made a butterfly cake made from a wonderful apple spice cake recipe and homemade cream cheese frosting.

It is amazing to me how fast this year has gone. Enzo's first year went by fast but this one was even faster. Everyone had warned me how different the first year with the second child would be. It was spent juggling the needs of a 4 year old and a baby. No time for private googling time, ingesting each small moment. Instead they have gone by like a flash of lightning. I barely recorded his milestones. I pieced them together today on various scraps of paper that just happened to be laying around at the time. Baby book? Are you kidding? I have one but it has not been opened yet. So to make myself feel better I will record them here. Here are the highlights.

Rolled over - almost 3 months
Army crawl - 5 months
Blow raspberries - 5 months
Smiled - sometime in here
First solid food - Bananas and he loved them. Still does
First steps 10 1/2 months. Was walking full time at 11 months
Claps - 11 months
Waves - 11 months
First sounds he just started making: baba (for ball), dada, uh oh (as he holds his hands up and out) and he just started making ma ma sounds but not all the way yet.

ok I feel much better those are recorded somewhere. I will start working on his book I swear.

I look at him and I am so thankful each day. I lost my first child when I was 9 weeks pregnant. It was a very rough experience for JB and I. We called her "little". "Little" died on October 6th 1999. Enzo was born exactly two years to the day on October 6th 2001. Salvatore's original due date was May 6th which was a day or two off from "little's" due date. These are not coincidences. This is the cycle of life in action. I look at Enzo and Sal everyday and I am thankful. I can't help to think of what "little" would look like today but I know that Enzo and Sal each represent her in their own way.

Salvatore and I have been through a lot together. While I was 7 months pregnant I ended up having an emergency appendectomy. I have had 3 other surgeries in my life but his was by far the scariest. I never imagined being wheeled into the operating room with a baby in my belly. I didn't know what was going to happen. We both pulled through strong and I think it has effected out bond to this day. I was so afraid of losing him. It was a scary time.

So one year later Sal is walking, playing and learning new things each day. He is such a wonderful child. Watching him grow and play with Enzo has been such an experience.

So Salvatore this is for you:

Small angel of mine
by the light of the moon
I think of you.

I think of you growing
inside of my belly
I think of when tragedy struck
and we stuck together
like two peas in a pod.
You helped me stay strong and healthy
for both of us.

Your tiny hands and feet
amazed me when you were born.
Soft skin / like satin
Body snuggled warm.

You just wanted to be held
and I just wanted to hold you.

My little guy
with the large brown eyes
I love you more and more each day.

Happy Birthday Salvie and Happy Mothers Day to me and all you other Mama's out there.

Sal's original birth story

Thursday, May 11, 2006


Enzo had a few interesting questions for me today.

1. Why are cowboys and cowgirls called cowboys and cowgirls when they don't ride cows they ride horses?

2. A friend of ours just had a baby boy named Liam and he asked "how did they know the baby was a boy baby?

The first question was easy. They are called that because originally these people were hired to tend to the cattle.

The second question I simply answered by saying that boy babies have a penis and girl babies do not. He replied "oh yes that is right. I had forgotten that."

Monday, May 08, 2006

Napping house

Sal has never napped anywhere but in my arms until this week. He is one week shy of turning a year old. I tried almost everything but could not get him to nap in his crib. He would fall asleep nursing and I was not able to transfer him. He went down fine at bedtime so after finally listening to my gut I decided to just let him nap on me. People were horrified. They felt so bad for me. It was kind of funny to hear reactions from people. Like it was such a damaging thing to have my child sleep in my arms.

Yes at first it would have been nice to get a few things done if he would have gone in his crib. Once I was able to let go of trying so hard and just let it be we settled into a nice routine. The first reason I loved it was because it was honestly the only two times in my entire day I was allowed to sit down for that long. Each day I knew I had an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon to put my feet up and relax. Enzo doesn't nap but he would take some quiet time to do other things during this time too. The second reason that made it ok for me was that my gut said it was fine. In my heart I knew my baby just needed a little extra love and comfort. I think people forget too easily that babies need to be babies. We rush them the second they come out of our bodies. We rush them to be independent from us, we rush them to sit, walk and eat. The next thing we know they are grown and we crave those baby moments again. I simply chose to hold on a bit longer, listen to my babies needs and trust he will let me know when he is ready.

That time came this week. Like magic the boy sleeps in his crib twice a day for naps. He has been slowly weaning a bit at the same time. The day time nursing has been cut way down (by him) and with this came these new nap routines. I now just rock him in my arms to sleep and put him in his crib. We are going a week now and I am loving it. I can now enjoy this bit of time I get to have with Enzo knowing I gave Sal the extra love he needed until he felt he was ready.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Heavy head/Sad heart

I am now writing from my parents house where I am staying for a week. Saturday we were packing up to leave on Sunday and my headache got so bad I ended up having to go to a Saturday clinic to be seen. Come to find out what I have been treating as an ongoing sinus issue is actually a migraine I have been suffering from for a month now. The Dr told me to take mega dose of Advil several times a day with some caffeine. I had a good day on Sunday as we traveled to my parents house but once Monday came I was so sick again we ended up at another Dr's office and then to the ER for lab work. She agreed it was probably migraines but wanted me to have some blood work done to double check. So I ended up having to take some pain meds last night to get to sleep. Today I will get the results of the bloodwork back.

I am fed up. I have been half living for the past month. Enzo has watched more tv in the past month then he has in his 4 1/2 years because Mama can't drive anywhere because her head hurts so much. I need to get better. I need to be able to take care of my family again.

My theory is that a lot of this is hormone related. I have had migraines before and I certainly have a family history of them. I used to keep a headache diary because ironically enough the last time this happened to me this severe was just about the same time (9 or 10 months) postpartum with Enzo. I was in that time frame post partum with Sal when all of this started. Because I am nursing my menstrual cycle has not started back yet. I believe it is going to soon and the hormones are causing these headaches. Hormonal headaches are real. Many women suffer from them every month. I think there is a real cause to have a later postpartum check up with women. Especially if they are nursing past 6 months. We have our babies, go to a 6 week postpartum check up and then that is that. Months later when we think our bodies should be back to normal and feeling great we are hit with a ton of bricks and are left to wonder why. I have read that many women might not even get hit with postpartum depression until later in that first year.

I am going to make it my mission to research this in more detail. Luckily it goes right along with my current childbirth education classes. I look forward to learning more about it and hopefully teaching others.

The other sad part of this is that I will probably have to stop nursing. Sal is almost a year so at least I have made it this far. I know he will be fine but I wish it didn't have to end under these circumstances. So far the meds I am taking are compatible but I have to be ready for it to come to close soon.