Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Finding home

Awhile ago I wrote a post about how my family home is up for sale. I spent a week there in May with both of my boys while JB was at a work thing. It has been hard for me to digest the fact that the house I grew up on might sell. I lived in this house from the time I was born until I moved away to college. The house and the street it is on has a lot of family history for me. My mother grew up two houses down. My grandparents owned three houses next to each other and my parents eventually bought one of them from them which is where I grew up. My grandfather's parents immigrated from Italy to the town and my grandmother's parents immigrated from England. I was the first one in the family (including cousins) to move out of state.

Now that I have a family I find myself being drawn back to the town where I grew up. Where my grandparents grew up. Where my great grandparents moved to in their late teens early twenties to start a new life. Leaving family and loved ones in other countries. A town I couldn't wait to escape I now find myself craving.

The house is an old farm house built in 1910. The other two houses that were in the family sold after my grandparents had passed away. Leaving my parents house the last one left. How do I sort out these feelings? How do I know if I am just letting my emotions get the best of me? Or is it just finally time for me to go back?

I love the town I live in now. Both of my sons were born here. JB and I have it rough though. We have never known the luxury of having the support of family near by to help us at all. We have a few friends but most of my closest friends are still living in my old town. I feel like I have been trying for years to create a village here and it just isn't happening. Would I regret moving back? Would I regret leaving the town where I have been trying to grow roots for my family? I used to always live with the grass is always greener attitude. I hated it. I was never satisfied with my location. I have worked hard to overcome these feelings but here they are sneaking up on me again.

I want to feel settled.

1 comment:

Nuclear Mom said...

Very nice, well written post. I understand and can relate to so many of your feelings. There is a part of me that clings to the thought of moving back to Colorado if only for access to family for their support in raising our family.