Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Dyring up

My milk is drying up. My tears are not. Sal has been weaning himself naturally over the past few months. In May he stopped nursing during the day and was only nursing before bed and first thing in the morning. Next the night time nursing stopped and as of last week the early morning session has stopped as well. It has been a little over a week since I have nursed him now.

Some of you might remember my headache situation. My neurologist thought it was hormone related and once I stopped weaning and my hormones leveled out the headaches might improve. This happened with my first child which is why they came to this conclusion. My headaches have been getting progressively better which is a good thing. I can't help feeling like I am stopping earlier than I would have liked though. But I can't beat myself up about it. I nursed him for 14 months. With my first child it was 15 months and he was also self weaned. Sal has not been begging for it or anything so the guilt is not coming from that at all. I think my sadness is stemming from the fact that I am realizing this might be the last time I nurse a child. I am not sure if I will have any more children.

On one hand I am happy to be getting my body back. I love nursing but I have had a heck of a time this second time around with it. I suffered from a nasty yeast infection in my breast for about 5 months. It was very painful but I pushed through it and continued nursing. So in a way, selfishly I am a bit glad we are done. Glad for my headaches which are getting better, glad that JB can not put him to bed without me having to sure and glad to be getting my body back for myself.

The other part of me though feels such sadness. I miss that time with him. I miss the closeness. I miss him needing me like that. I wonder if I will experience the feeling of nourishing another child in that way again. It means Sal is growing up and moving on which is a wonderful but bittersweet moment.

Time goes by so quickly. Children grow so quickly. As much as I embrace his changes and growth I can't help by want to hold on to my little baby. Have him hold on to me just a little bit longer.


Nuclear Mom said...

I had a much harder time letting Leif self wean than I ever expected. It tore me up that he didn't "need" me anymore. I think it was about a week and then I was happy to have my body back. But I so understand your feelings.

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