I've Moved!

This blog started in 2001 (became active in 2005) and has evolved over the years as my children have grown and I have evolved as a mother, wife, daughter and friend.  It's time for a fresh start.  I have exported all posts and started a new blog where I will continue my journey at Purple Elm.  Join me!

Finding Me Continued

So a year ago, after 10 years going by my married name I changed it.  At the time I had strong reasons for doings so.  My decision was to drop my married name, take back my maiden name, and add my mother's maiden name to it.  All of a sudden I had a new hyphenated last name that was different than my husband and children.  My reasons were good at the time.  Since I was little I always felt bitter that because my mother decided to take my father's name I wasn't given the opportunity to have her maiden name.  I thought it was wrong.  I never thought when I got married that I would change my name, but when the day came I did and I lived with it for 10 years.  At for our 10 year wedding anniversary I told my husband I was changing my name.  He wasn't surprised at all because he has heard me talking about this for years.  He was supportive so I made the change.

Rewind one year and I started to have doubts about my decision which surprised me.  For one I had no idea how much it would bother me to not have the same last name as my children.  I also didn't realize how difficult having a hyphenated name would be.  I know there are plenty of people who have hyphenated names and different last names than their kids, but this is a personal thing so I'll go on.  As much as I always wanted my mother's maiden name I had to admit that it felt a bit strange now owning it.  It was never really mine (which I always hated), but the fact was it felt almost more strange as when I first got married and took on my husbands name originally.  So $130 later and another trip to probate court I changed my name again.  This time I added my maiden name as my second middle name and took back my married name.  So now even though I have two middle names I'll be going by First name, 2nd Middle name (maiden name) and then Married name as my last name.  Think Hillary Rodham Clinton and hopefully it won't be so confusing.

I feel a bit sad letting go of my mother's name and I wish she had given it to me originally as my middle name  but she didn't.  I could have kept it, but this just felt right.  Now I can go by both maiden and married names or just make it simple and use my married last name. My sister put it best when she said "Mom's maiden name is your heritage and always will be, your maiden name is what you grew up with and was known as until you got married, your married now is your present and future."  For me this seems like the best compromise.  I had no idea I would be struggling with keeping my identity 11 years into my marriage.  We all grow, we all peel back new layers of ourselves and we all must find out own way to shine.

Goodness it's tough being an indecisive girl.

Remembering me

I have lost myself.  I know I'm around somewhere, but I can't seem to find the girl I once knew.  Time is moving so quickly and I just want to hit the pause button for a moment and figure things out.  My kids are growing, my parents are aging, and I'm somewhere in between.  Riding the waves of this busy thing called life.  Having kids changed me, but honestly I was one who in the early years of having my children stayed pretty much the same.  My kids became the most important thing of course, but I always found the time to stay true to myself and enjoy my own activities and interests.  I want to finish things I started years ago.  I want to start writing poetry again.  I want to revive my love or photography.

When I first started this blog a long, long time ago this was the About Me section:

I am creative, strong, weak and driven.  I want to dream, weep, write, scream, and play lost songs to searching souls.  I want to raise my sons to be anything but the ordinary.  I am a seeker, a dreamer, a dancer in the darkness.

I need to believe in this again.  I need to dig deep and remember the girl who's soul screamed loud and proud.  I will find her.  Oh I will find her.

Robot Tea Infuser

I love tea.  I love it loose, I love it fresh.  I couldn't help myself when I found this robot tea infuser.  I had to buy him.  Love.

Closing up my craft shop

Sadly I have decided to end my small crafting business Subsixstudios. I started my small business when I became a stay at home mom in 2005. At the time it provided me with a creative outlet and kept my mind in the business game as I kept up my skills in sales and built new skills in digital marketing. The reality is now I work full time outside of the home and I am struggling to keep up with it all. I will however continue to support the indie craft movement by pushing forward with Queen City Craft and the bazaar that I produce twice a year. The next show is on June 4th and it will be the first time in 5 years I haven't sold my own creations at the show. I am sad about this but I am excited to be there solely as the organizer where I can fully support the other artists and not have to worry about selling as well.

I will continue to make some items for myself and friends and perhaps I will spring back at some point under a new name. For now though it will be put on hold.

Thanks for all the support over the years!

xoxo

Slow Saturday

Today was perfect.  The weather was warm and we had a date to visit with some friends in the "country" who we haven't seen in way too long.  We met at their house for lunch and it was delightful.  Warm air, embellished grilled cheese sandwiches, mimosas, chicken chasing, and good conversation made up our afternoon.  I had filled the crock pot with butternut squash apple soup before we left so the afternoon was dinner prep stress free.  On our way back to the "city" we stopped at Cookie Love and treated ourselves to a late afternoon snack.  We came home and enjoyed some family Rock Band time and devoured the soup with some crackers and good cheese.  It was nice to step away from the usual chore filled Saturday and enjoy some time with good friends.

I'm here. I'm really here.

I started this blog in 2001 and at one point it was my lifeline.  I felt alone as a mother for the longest time.  This blog helped me through my years of being a working mother and a stay at home mother.  Last year after being home full time for 4 years I went back to work full time and it all became too much.  Between being a mom, working full time outside of the home and running my own indie craft business I just couldn't keep up.  Before Facebook and all the other social media sites this blog was my lifeline to the outside world.  Facebook changed all that and blogging took a back seat.  I want to change that.  I am attempting to enter back into the blogging world.  I hope you will come back and join me for the ride.

germs, guilt, work

Being sick sucks. Missing work sucks even more. One of the best things about my 4 years as a stay at home mom was not having to worry about call out of work when they kids got sick, I got sick, or for the numerous vacations and days off from their school. Now that I am back to work full time I am remembering this dreaded, awful part about working. Perception. Perception at any job is key. Regardless of how open companies claim to be they still live by the old perception rule. I am lucky that my husband and I both have jobs that can easily be done from home. This makes it better because we can take turns taking "work from home days" when kid illnesses or days off come up. Sometimes though they hit all at once and the timing doesn't work so well. Take this past week for instance. My littlest was way too sick to go to preschool, but my husband couldn't get out of some meetings he had so I worked from home for two days. By the end of the week though I had picked up on the germs and found myself going into the office on Friday (something I used to swear I would never do when I was sick) all because of perception. Because I had been out of the office (even though I was working from home) for two days I felt like I had to suck it up. Suck it up I couldn't, so they sent me home.

It is so difficult being a working parent. I love my job and I love working, but this full time both parents out of the house situation is very difficult. So here I sit, or rather lay - in my bed on a Saturday afternoon. A bowl of acorn squash soup by my bed, computer snug up with me in bed, trying to heal. I already missed out on my husband's birthday which was last night, had to cancel tonight's birthday plans, and will most likely be in bed early again tonight. I feel so guilty. Why? I got sick. I didn't mean to. I certainly would never plan this, but as mothers I think guilt just lives inside of us like a parasite that has leached on to our souls.

hello again

Where have I been?
Where have I gone?
I've been changing
and growing
and living
and learning
Crying and sighing
stressing and doing.

My life has changed
so much
in the past few months
I wouldn't even know where to start.

I thought about
staying away.
I thought about
hiding
but then I decided
to try.

This isn't the first
time I have gone through
a transformation.
A girl
became a mom.
A mom became
an employee.

I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend.
I work full time now while trying to keep my life at home in order.
I have put my creative endeavors on the back burner for now.
I am trying to work it all into an already over booked day.

I struggle
I cry
I succeed
I fail.

But I keep trying.

This blog has seen me through many changes in my life.
I need it again.

I'm coming back soon . . .

Life has thrown me a curve ball and I have found myself back to work in the real world. I recently took a job as an eCommerce analyst which means I am once again a working mama. I have been home with my kids full time for the past 4 years. It has been wonderful and I have loved every minute of it but it was time for many reasons for me to go back to work outside of the home.

I have been avoiding my blog because it was a way for me to not deal with the big question hanging over my head. What will become of my craft business? I am currently still producing and plan on continuing but at a different pace. I look forward to the challenge or working outside the home and running my little business. The key to keeping it going is to finally decide what has been working and not working for me. I plan on sticking with earrings and fiber arts. I have had a great summer selling my wash cloths at the Burlington farmers market through the wonderful Missy Bly of Clean City Soap. She created a super cute display incorporating my wash cloths with her handmade soaps. My new fiber necklaces and scarves are selling well at Trinket on Church St in Burlington and the response from people has been great so I plan on keeping those going also.

I am excited to announce that I will have work from my fiber arts collection on display at the Art Hop this year as a part of the Burton employee show. Kick off the Art Hop this Friday 9/11 at the Burton reception from 5-8pm. Food, drink, music, and lots of art. Read more about the event here.

Weekend upate

I am back from a wild weekend away by myself. This was only the second time I have ever left my family since becoming a mom almost 8 years ago. It was a much needed break. Two nights of reconnecting with lost friends. Some I haven't seen in 15 years. As much as I missed my family it was wonderful to be on my own for three days. No kids to watch, no butts to wipe, no one to feed but myself. I missed them madly but it was worth it. The trip also made me miss home a lot. A place I couldn't wait to get away from when I was younger, a place I now find myself wanting to be in again. My life seems to sometimes be one of always living in the past and future. Never the present.

This weekend was all about living in the moment, enjoying, reconnecting, remembering, wondering, reliving, and just plain being.

Curve ball

4 year ago I wrote this post when I was about to quit my full time job to stay home with my children full time. I had a budding jewelry business and high hopes of getting my childbirth education certificate so I could start teaching. Here I am 4 years later contemplating the opposite. I am actually interviewing to go back to work outside of the home. How did I get here? Well the economy went to shit, my husband had to take a pay cut this year when his company had lay offs, house taxes went up, and the list goes on and on. We were skimming by for the past 4 years but now we are beginning to sink. I never finished my childbirth certification class like I wanted, my jewelry business gives me some spending money from time to time, I have had some consulting work on and off, but nothing that provides the steady extra income we now require. It sucks. I am sad.

I can't help but think perhaps if I had just finished the things I had set out to finish I would be in a different place. I am excited about new challenges, but nervous about all I will be giving up at home. At this point so much is up in the air. I am doing lots of interviewing right now for several very exciting opportunities. I am hoping that the right one will fall into place. I will choose to think positively and keep moving forward as I always do.

Welcome Odie!

Two weeks ago tomorrow we picked Odie up in NH. He made the long trek from TN on a truck with lots of other dogs waiting to meet their new owners. It was a crazy drive down because we did it in one day. We thought we would have more time to hang out but it was raining when we got to the pick up site so we just got him off the truck, bonded as much as we could in the rain for a few minutes, then loaded him up in the car and headed back to VT. I can't believe it has only been two weeks because I feel like he has been living with us for months. He is a super sweet and settled into our home immediately. He is very easy going. After our experience with Zimo I am now convinced this was all meant to be.


I have more tales to tell about this past week. I will fill you in this weekend. Right now I must go enjoy my deck because it is so warm out and the kids are in bed.

xoxo

Sorry for the slight disappearance. Things have been a bit hectic over here. My husband went away for work and of course I got hit with the worst migraine I have had in a long time. I think the last when was during another work trip of his. Pattern here anyone? Yes I know that stress is one of the many triggers of my headaches. They have been in control (somewhat) over the past few years. I still get them daily but I hadn't had one that knocked me on the couch for some time. Mostly I can just walk around with them and look semi normal. Since the death of our dog, John's travels, money problems (the list goes on) I have noticed an increase in my headaches. Luckily I have an appointment in May to see a new Dr at a great headache clinic. I am not holding out hope but I am excited to see if they have anything new tell me.

Odie

In some exciting news we have decided to adopt another dog. His name is Odie and he is between 12-15 months old. He was a stray and spent a lot of time in a shelter in TN before finding a wonderful foster home where he has been for the past 4 months. We went through the same organization where we got Zimo. Golden Huggs Rescue. I know I have said it before but the two woman who run this and their team of volunteers are amazing! If you live in Rhode Island, Connecticut, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, Maine or Vermont and are considering rescuing a dog please try this organization.

We were supposed to pick up Odie last Saturday but tornadoes hit TN pretty hard and he missed getting on the transport truck. We were sad to not be able to get him but we are glad he and his foster mom are ok. So he will make the trek from TN to NH this week instead and we will travel to NH to get him on Saturday. We are all very excited to meet our new best friend.

Besides getting the house and yard ready for Odie I have been planting more seeds (lavender, basil, and zinnias) and working on my garden beds. The garlic I planted last fall is now peeking out in my raised bed. I love growing garlic. Last year was my first attempt. I hope I get a better yield this time.

I have also had my head deep in planning a spring craft show. I run an organization called Queen City Craft and I will be putting on the spring edition of the Queen City Craft Bazaar on May 9th. 46 amazing indie crafters will be there selling their wares.

I am going to put S down for his nap and cuddle on the couch with a cup of tea. It is cold and damp here today. Bring back the warmth!

xoxo

Moving on

Friday was a week since Zimo's death. Needless to say it was a very long week. The warm spring weather didn't help our grief. I found myself pining for his companionship. I missed taking him on walks, playing outside and trips to the dog park. I miss him. I surprised myself though and started looking through the list of available dogs for adoption. At first I felt guilty and then I found it brought great comfort to me for some reason. The experience of adopting a dog in need had such an impact on my life I now realize I will be involved with adoption forever.

The day Zimo died I swore I would never get another pet. I could not possibly go through this level of loss again. As the week went on and I had more time to reflect I suddenly realized I was thinking about it all in the wrong way. I could not let my fear of loss hold me back. I had in fact chosen to get pregnant again after losing my first baby despite the incredible amount of loss and grief losing "little" brought me. Loving and losing is hard but if we are so afraid of it why do we get married, have children, form friendships, or get into relationships when we know one day we will lose them all? We do it because we were meant to love. For this reason I have decided that adopting another dog is what I want to do. My family on the other hand might not be quite so ready. I will need to give them the time they need to grieve and heal in their own way and when we are all ready we will make the decision together.

The hard part is I actually found a dog from the adoption list that in my opinion seems perfect for us. I can't stop thinking about him. he is currently in a foster home but needs to find a forever home. When you adopt a dog out of foster care you are actually saving two lives. The dog you adopt and another one because once you rescue the dog out of the foster home it opens up a space for another dog to be pulled out of the high kill shelter and give them a longer chance at living. It is a wonderful thing.

My heart will always love Zimo but I know I have room to love again. I choose to believe he would want us to save another one of his friends from the South who so desperately want to be adopted.

Goodbye sweet Zimo

Zimo at about 3 months. This was the picture we saw in the Internet and fell in love with.

Our beloved Zimo, who we adopted last summer passed away on Friday. He was 11 months old. It happened within a matter of minutes. He has been healthy with absolutely no problems whatsoever. He had a normal day at home with me today as he always does. At around 4:00 as the kids were sitting on the couch and I was at my desk, Zimo was laying on his favorite dog bed in the middle of the living room and he started convulsing. I immediately called the emergency vet number but as I was on the phone with them getting directions in a matter of minutes his bowls went and the convulsions started slowing down. I knew at this point he was gone. I ran next door to get my neighbor to watch the kids so I could rush him to the vet but she confirmed he was really gone. I don't understand. He went from normal to dead in 5 minutes. We are told it must have been a genetic issue with his heart or brain. There were no warning signs, he did not seem to suffer at all. It just happened so fast. Before I could really understand what was happening he was gone.

Getting Zimo off the truck after his trip from Tennessee.


getting ready for the drive back to VT

Adopting Zimo was a long journey for us. We took a few years discussing the idea of getting a dog and researching what we wanted to get. Zimo came into our life on a whim. We adopted him from a local rescue organization called Golden Hugs Rescue. They rescue dogs who are homeless in the South and have them transported to the East Coast. We fell in love with his picture on the Internet and traveled to NH to meet him after his long journey from Tennessee.

He was young and crazy at first but quickly became a part of our family.

I miss everything. I miss his dog hair all over the house, I miss having to take him out go to the bathroom on freezing cold days, I miss our long walks, I miss taking him to the dog park, I miss playing ball in the back yard, and I miss his non stop need for love and attention. I miss him. This morning after dropping off the kids at school, coming home to an empty house was very hard. The house is so quiet and I just don't know what to do with my self right now. It just doesn't seem fair.

We are beside ourselves with grief. He was just about to turn 1 and was just way too young.

I don't know that I can do this again. A part of me wants to adopt again soon because life without a dog seems so strange now. The other part of me is so afraid to go through this loss again. I know what happened to Zimo was very rare but it hurts so much to think about it. I can't get the image of my puppy dying in front of me out of my head. For some reason I am finding comfort in looking at other rescue dogs who need homes. At first I felt guilty about doing it but now I see it more as an honor to Zimo.

enzo with his best pal Zimo last month.

I have no regrets about adopting him. He was meant to be on this earth for a short time for some reason but we rescued him when he needed a home and we gave him a wonderful life while he was here. Please consider adoption if you are getting a pet. We learned through this process that there are so many unwanted animals out there. Zimo had been found in a box with 10 other puppies. Just left by themselves. If you are in VT, ME, NH, MA please consider Golden Huggs Rescue. I cannot even being to explain how incredibly helpful they were to us from the beginning to the end. If and when we are ever ready to take on another dog we will absolutely rescue with them again.



Thank you Zimo for coming into our lives and showing us how much love we have to give. I regret that your last day with us wasn't the best. It was too cold and icey to play ball outside, I had too many errands to run to spend as much quality time with you that day as I normally do. I wish I had stopped and given you one last hug before you went away. I will continue to feel good about the fact that we gave you a loving home and you were able to be at home with me every singe day since we got you. I have learned to slow down a little bit more and make sure each day I have with my family is the best it can be. Life is short and unpredictable. Hug the ones you have in your life - human and non just a bit tighter today.

Yesterday is gone, tomorrow does not yet exist, we only really have today.

Goodbye Zimo. We love you very much.

xoxo

looking for light

I feel like I am losing it today. Money, winter blues, it's all adding up.

Big step

I have talked about my love of writing poetry here before. I have been writing since I was very young. I was very active in college by reading and performing at special events, taking poetry writing classes, and I was even published twice in the literary magazine published by the school. Since college though I have not publicly read or submitted my work. I recently stumbled upon a local event happening here in Burlington called F@#* Valentines Day poetry night. I have decided the time is right. I am going for it. I plan on attending and signing up to read. Last night I pulled out some of my older notebooks and my final portfolio I did for my last poetry class. Reading my professors final words gave me the inspiration I needed to do this. Her final statement was "You will be a strong writer if you want to be. Keep reading and keep writing." I am not sure why I have put this on the back burner but it is time to move it to the front.

At first I started to stress about how I would pick just one to be my first. Then it hit me and I just knew. I have waited 15 years to read this one particular poem and I can't wait!

wish me luck!

Winter reflections

I have officially hit a slump. Call it the mid winter blues if you will but I have hit hard. I used to love winter back when I could actually snowboard. Two kids and no money makes that pretty hard these days. Everything seems harder in the winter. Putting on and taking off all the necessary layers multiple times a day, trying to find a way to exercise the dog, and trying to find a way to exercise me are adding up to my hatred of winter. I am a summer gal. I am a garden goddess. I need to spend at least part of every day digging in the dirt. I love taking breaks from working by sitting in the warm sun in my backyard with a cup of tea.

Now I sip my tea indoors, looking out my back slider at the mounds of snow covering my garden beds, covering my backyard living space, covering up my release. I feel stuffed. Stuffed inside this tiny cottage with no privacy, no air, no movement. During the summer my living space expands and I finally have more room to breath. My deck becomes my night time hang out - giving my husband and I space if we need it. I can talk on the phone in peace or build a backyard fire to relax and get away from the computer and TV.

I love my backyard. Every winter around this time I start planning my garden. What to plant in the existing beds, where to put some new beds, what part of the yard I can dig up and transform this year. I enjoy making a garden journal with my children. We list out what we want to plant, make a map, and then we take before and after pictures each season. It is also a great way to record what worked or didn't work in your garden.

Winter isn't all that bad I guess. I do welcome the slowness and reflection it brings each year. I am not quite sure I would actually want to garden all year long. It is nice to take a break from yard work and get refreshed for the next season. I love watching my kids playing in the snow. There is something priceless about the simple act of sledding, building snowmen, and sticking you tongue high into the air to catch a fresh flake.

I guess instead of letting the winter blues take over I will choose to enjoy the last few months where it is ok to slow down and reflect. Summer will be here before I know it and so will raking leaves, entertaining two kids on vacation, daily yard work, bike rides, trips to the lake, park adventures, camping, house projects - and the list goes on and on. See, I'm exhausted already just talking about it. Instead I will go start up the wood stove, make a pot of tea and enjoy the winter stillness.