Schools and Saftey

The first day of school in our area was yesterday. It was a day filled with anxiety for many in our area. Three days prior a man decided to go on a rampage. He killed two teachers and wounded another as well as wounding another individual. One teacher was shot in her home and the others at the Elementary school where they were getting ready for the new school year to start.

It bring up many emotions for me. One is I hate guns. Yes I hate them. I don't care that it is our right to own them and carry them. We simply have far far too many gun accidents and killings in this country. I know all the proponents will say "it is not the guns that kill people it is the people who kill people." No shit sherlock. The issue is too many of the wrong people have access to guns and are killing our children, our teachers, our friends.

It has to stop.

I don't allow toy guns in my home. I don't care that we all grew up with them and knew the difference. A gun is not and should never be a toy of any kind. A child does not yet have the understanding of reality vs fantasy. How can we expect them to understand that chasing your friends around and playing "bang bang" with this type of gun is ok but don't pick up this other type of gun because it could become a game of "kill kill" instead. It sends mixed messages.

The incident this week at the local school was not my first experience with gun violence. When I was in high school one of our students decided after school one day to go to the local ice cream shop where he shot his girlfriend, the store owner and himself dead. It was horrible. Simply horrible. For these two stories there are countless others across our violent country.

It has to stop.

Full Circle

Recently my mother came up for a visit and she brought me my old baseball glove and the one my father used to practice with me. My father had burned our names into the leather. Yesterday I had an amazing experience in my back yard as I wore the glove my father used to throw to me as a child while my son now was wearing mine. We played a simple game of catch and I had a huge smile on my face the entire time.

Vacation

I feel like I have been gone for months. Last week JB and I took the family on a mini vacation to NY state to visit with some of JB's relatives. It ended up being a fab vacation. First the drive through the adirondacks was simply beautiful. We ended up staying at a lake house that is in the family on JB's side. It was stunning. We were right on lake and it is just what I needed. Once the kiddies were in bed we just relaxed (with many other family members) on the deck and stared at the lake. It was wonderful. I need to make sure I get away like that more often. It is good for the soul.

My rant of the day

First of all I want to start this post by saying I am not by any means saying that parenting is easy or that I have not had my bad days. Believe me I have them all the time. Having children is one of the hardest and most challenging things in the world. That being said I just have to bitch about something -

Why do people have babies and then freak out when they act like babies?

Here are some facts in case you don't know this yet:

1. Babies typically do not sleep well at night for at least (at least) the first year of life. It sucks and most of us have gone through it but they just simply do not. Why why why do we try to "train" a baby to sleep when all they are trying to do is have their basics needs met?

2. A young baby is not manipulating you by crying so you will come into their room. Do you really think they have the thought capacity to say to themselves "self, if I cry they will come." I'm sorry but they don't. You are not teaching them anything by letting them cry it out. You are not teaching them to go to sleep. All you are teaching them is that when they cry and need something you do not go to them. They stop crying at night not because you have taught them a wonderful lesson but because they have given up. You have not taught them how to sleep through the night you taught them that crying for you attention won't do anything.

3. You cannot spoil a baby. A baby who needs to be held more will not be ruined by you holding her.

ok I am done ranting for now.

Finding home

Awhile ago I wrote a post about how my family home is up for sale. I spent a week there in May with both of my boys while JB was at a work thing. It has been hard for me to digest the fact that the house I grew up on might sell. I lived in this house from the time I was born until I moved away to college. The house and the street it is on has a lot of family history for me. My mother grew up two houses down. My grandparents owned three houses next to each other and my parents eventually bought one of them from them which is where I grew up. My grandfather's parents immigrated from Italy to the town and my grandmother's parents immigrated from England. I was the first one in the family (including cousins) to move out of state.

Now that I have a family I find myself being drawn back to the town where I grew up. Where my grandparents grew up. Where my great grandparents moved to in their late teens early twenties to start a new life. Leaving family and loved ones in other countries. A town I couldn't wait to escape I now find myself craving.

The house is an old farm house built in 1910. The other two houses that were in the family sold after my grandparents had passed away. Leaving my parents house the last one left. How do I sort out these feelings? How do I know if I am just letting my emotions get the best of me? Or is it just finally time for me to go back?

I love the town I live in now. Both of my sons were born here. JB and I have it rough though. We have never known the luxury of having the support of family near by to help us at all. We have a few friends but most of my closest friends are still living in my old town. I feel like I have been trying for years to create a village here and it just isn't happening. Would I regret moving back? Would I regret leaving the town where I have been trying to grow roots for my family? I used to always live with the grass is always greener attitude. I hated it. I was never satisfied with my location. I have worked hard to overcome these feelings but here they are sneaking up on me again.

I want to feel settled.

Self Promotion News!

I have a few updates on my jewelry business. I have changed the name from Purple Elm back to what it originally was Subsixstudios.

Last week I decided to put 6 of my necklaces into a great new store in Burlington called Made Boutique & Gallery. I just found out that two of them have already sold since being in her store since last Friday.


My Etsy Shop has hit 1000 views!

A trip to the islands

We took a trip to the islands this weekend and stayed in a rustic cabin. Sounds fancy huh? Well in reality it was the Champlain Islands and the "rustic" cabin was in a RV park. The cabin was rustic in the sense that it was just one room with a double bed and a bunkbed, a small front porch with a swing (bonus) but other than that our view was of weekend trailers and seasonal RVs. I didn't care though. I decided last week I needed a quick getaway and that is just about all you can find around here in August at the last minute. They had a pool which was just lovely after getting a leach on my leg swimming in our lake a few weeks ago. The kids loved it. Enzo's highlights were staying up late to roast marshmallows and look at the stars and sleeping on the top bunk of the bunkbed.

The highlights for me were swimming in a pool and sitting by the fire with John having a few beers after the kids went to bed. It was nice to have no tv or computers around. Oh and best of all there were no bugs. Not one mosquito in site. The first night we ended up going out for pizza because we couldn't get our campstove to work. Yes we forgot to check it before we left. The second night I made a makeshift stove over the fire pit and cooked soydogs and baked beans.

I grew up camping with my family for two weeks every summer so I am picky about where I camp now. Nothing I find can compare the campground we went to each year. We were a tent family so being in this RV park was a bit of a shock to my system but I was able to get through it. I had to realize my ideals were not what mattered this weekend. It was watching Enzo stare up at the sky in amazement and watch his tired eyes try to focus on roasting just one last marshmallow.

Weather girl

Summer is not almost over. I am sick of people saying it is. Today is August 1st. We have an entire month left. Everyone lives so far in the future it makes me sick. With back to school supplies hitting the stores already it is hard not too. I feel like it just started getting warm - hot in fact so I am so not ready for fall clothing. Where are all the frickin' tank tops. Bring them back out people. Summer is far from over.

Plus have you heard? September is the new August. This is what I tell everyone anyway. Depending on where you live you may or may not relate to this but where I am living the seasons have changed. The weather patterns of the months have been changing ever so slightly the past few years. This year is has become crystal clear to me though. September is the new August. I am right. Just think about it. April felt like March, May felt like April, June felt like May and July started off feeling like June but it did start to get much warmer mid month. The warm weather will continue into August but it won't stop there. September is no longer the sweater weather month it used to be. Oh no I guarantee that your sweaters will still be in your closet and you will be thanking me that I told you this secret news.

I'm a Lactivist

Lactivist= lactation activist

I can now officially call myself one. I was a part of a demonstration that was held in my town on Saturday in response to our City Council rejecting a resolution to become more involved in the support and education of breastfeeding in our city. We kicked off World Breastfeeding Week by gathering at the City Hall where there were information booths (I had a booth selling my goods), music and story time for the kids, speakers and a "breastfeeding cafe" where we sat around sharing stories and support. We ended the event by walking through town with banners and balloons. It was trilling. I feel so proud to get involved in such an important issue. We even made the lead story on the 6:00 news Saturday night.


You can read about it here

Breastfeeding Rally

Bad mama poetry

I'm not at my best
the house is a mess
The floor needs mopping
but I feel like sobbing.
The leftovers are aging
my hormones are raging
These are the days I just want to run.

Burlington Council kills breast-feeding initiative

I am disgusted with the fact that where I live recently voted 7 to 6 that the city should not encourage mothers to nurse their babies.

Some councilors said it is not a "core mission" of the city.

I have written a letter in response to the paper. I have also written to my local city council Rep. If you are local you have a voice. Speak out against this stone age decision.

here is the link.

Burlington Council Kills breast-feeding initiative

Dyring up

My milk is drying up. My tears are not. Sal has been weaning himself naturally over the past few months. In May he stopped nursing during the day and was only nursing before bed and first thing in the morning. Next the night time nursing stopped and as of last week the early morning session has stopped as well. It has been a little over a week since I have nursed him now.

Some of you might remember my headache situation. My neurologist thought it was hormone related and once I stopped weaning and my hormones leveled out the headaches might improve. This happened with my first child which is why they came to this conclusion. My headaches have been getting progressively better which is a good thing. I can't help feeling like I am stopping earlier than I would have liked though. But I can't beat myself up about it. I nursed him for 14 months. With my first child it was 15 months and he was also self weaned. Sal has not been begging for it or anything so the guilt is not coming from that at all. I think my sadness is stemming from the fact that I am realizing this might be the last time I nurse a child. I am not sure if I will have any more children.

On one hand I am happy to be getting my body back. I love nursing but I have had a heck of a time this second time around with it. I suffered from a nasty yeast infection in my breast for about 5 months. It was very painful but I pushed through it and continued nursing. So in a way, selfishly I am a bit glad we are done. Glad for my headaches which are getting better, glad that JB can not put him to bed without me having to sure and glad to be getting my body back for myself.

The other part of me though feels such sadness. I miss that time with him. I miss the closeness. I miss him needing me like that. I wonder if I will experience the feeling of nourishing another child in that way again. It means Sal is growing up and moving on which is a wonderful but bittersweet moment.

Time goes by so quickly. Children grow so quickly. As much as I embrace his changes and growth I can't help by want to hold on to my little baby. Have him hold on to me just a little bit longer.

Being grown up

Being grown up is hard. Being a mom is hard. I hit a slump this week. I knew staying home full time with my kids was not going to be easy but I have hit a wall and I need a break. This week the thought of getting up and making three breakfasts, three lunches and four dinners plus sweeping and doing dishes three times a day just makes me want to puke.

I need a bitch session so here it goes:

I need a vacation to break up the monotony of my days right now.
I need friends to hang out with during the week.
I need my kids to stop pulling on my clothes and sucking every ounce of energy I have left.
I am tired and worn and frazzled.
I feel like a frumpy mom for the first time ever.
I have lost myself. I have lost my style.
I can't lose my baby weight even though my baby is over a year old.
I sometimes wear the same pants several days in a row because they are so comfy and are the only things that fit me right now.
I don't get carded anymore when I go to by beer.
I can't get up early in the morning the way I used to.
I feel old.
I hate my clothes.
I hate my hair,
I hate my changing skin.
I hate my stretch marks. I hate my scars.
I love my kids but fuck is this hard.

Self Promotion - The Annemarie Necklace

The focal point of this summer sensation is a very large mother of pearl pendant measuring 70 X 90 mm. It is stunning. It is strung on silver plated stainless steel with lemon jade beads and two orange glass beads at the very end. I have finished it off with sterling silver crimp beads and a sterling silver toggle clasp.

Purple Elm Jewelry

"We don't eat chicken"

My friend Nuclear Mom inspired this post.

I have been a vegetarian for 14 years. JB is not one but since I do the majority of the cooking he eats that way at home. If we go out to eat or to a friend's house for dinner he will eat meat. I have no issues with him eating meat at all. We are raising both of our boys as veggies. I decided early on that when and if they decide to eat meat (I hope never) they can do so (maybe).

So up until this point Enzo knows we don't eat meat. He tells people we are vegetarians and will correct guests by telling them it is "soyroni" on our pizza not pepperoni. Up until this point though he hasn't realized that JB eats meat occasionally. We just don't usually call it out. Last weekend we were at a World Cup party and my friend was getting ready to start up the grill. She called out asking JB if he wanted a veggie burger or chicken. He replied chicken. Enzo's ears perked up and he said "We don't eat chicken". So we explained that sometimes Daddy does eat it. He was so intrigued he wanted to see what it looked like. It occurred to me at that moment that he had never seen meat before. His idea of a chicken exists in his books and he no idea what we meant when we said daddy was about to eat chicken.

When he actually say the cooked meat on the plate he looked less enthused. "That's chicken?" he said. That was that. He went on to get a plate of non meat food. Didn't even ask to try it (wiping brow).

I do want him to know where meat comes from. I don't want him to just see a package of meat at the supermarket and think it just comes from the store. Just as I believe it is important for children to be involved and understand gardening so they see where their veggies come from, I think it is also important for them to know that meat comes from an animal who is killed. Not that I am ready to tell him all of this now. I am just realizing that I need to dial my dialogue for when the big convo starts.

gray day - nothing to say

I have nothing to say today so I thought I would just post two new pics of the boys. Enzo is being his sassy self and Sal is playing with his new wooden toys.

DIY Yard Project

This was my first DIY project since buying our house in December. We have rented it for the past 4 years so it was very exciting to finally get my hands dirty and make some changes. We had a walkway into our backyard that was grass with walking stones. The stones were nice but covered mostly by grass and dirt. The ants decided to move in and built so many homes that the walkway looked more like a dirt track. Needless to say I was looking forward to trying something new.

My neighbors helped me with the idea of laying down pea stone instead of grass but using the existing walking stones. Since they were going to get more pea stone for their yard they also offered to let me go in on it with them since they had a truck. Sunday we ripped up the grass. Monday morning my neighbors left early to get the pea stone and Enzo and I put down the landscaping cloth and placed the walking stones in place. We then shoveled the pea stones into place and we had an instant transformation. The whole project cost me $10 because my neighbors provided me with the landscaping cloth and the edging so all I had to pay for was the pea stone.

I love it. Here are some pictures of the process.

Music moves the soul

I have always been a music junky. I played the clarinet in middle school. I went to my first concert when I was in the 8th grade. My father took me to see the Grateful Dead and Bob Dylan. That was the first of many concerts through high school and college and beyond. I worked at a record store all through high school. I started playing the guitar and sang in the select choir in high school. I attended more concerts than I can remember. Music has been a major part of my life.

then I had kids. I played my guitar after I had Enzo a lot. Even ventured out to an open mic night for the first time in many years. Since having Sal though my guitar has not seen the light of day. I took it out one day and started jamming out some kid songs. Enzo took his guitar out too and said "Mommy, I love jamming with you." That's my boy.

Even keeping up with new record releases and new bands has been tough these days. I am happy to say however I am making it a priority in my life again. I need nights of no jewelry making, no childbirth studying, just me and my guitar in the basement again. I have also been listening to an assortment of music lately. Here are my recent favs. There are probably so many more I could list here but this is what I have been playing for the past month.

My Morning Jacket - The Tennessee Fire
Neil Young - Living with War
The New Pornographers - Twin Cinema
Built to Spill - You in Reverse
Dashboard Confessional - I am anxiously awaiting their new album
Green Day - American Idiot
Jenny Lewis - Rabbit Fur Coat
The Heavenly States
The Pants
Neil Cleary

So what this means is I am going to try and work less and play more. Let music creep back into my soul where it belongs. I am heading to my second local show this month tomorrow night.

rock on.

Sweet words

Last night I had one of those melting mama moments.

JB was upstairs getting Sal dressed for bed. I came up and sat down on Enzo's bed while they were finishing. When Sal got up JB said "Sal look who is here now." Sal walked over to me and said "ma ma ma"

I swooped him up and hugged him tight and said "that's right. I am you mama."

It was his first time saying it to me. It was the sweetest thing.

Those are the moments that take away all the yucky ones from the day.

thank you Sal.

A letter to Enzo

The following post was originally written by my husband to our oldest son Enzo (age 4 1/2) on his blog
mentalpackrat

It is so beautiful and touching I just had to share it with everyone. I actually have a very hard time reading it and I cry every time.

So with JB's permission here it is:
-------

goodnight
June 24th, 2006

Dear Enzo:
Tonight I read you the last chapter of The House at Pooh Corner, and I am hoping that you didn’t notice me choking up a little as we read. I had a hard time finishing it without a tear, and I don’t think you noticed that it slipped out as we were having our nightly snuggle time upstairs before bed.
In the chapter, you see, Pooh, Piglet, Eyore, Kanga, Roo, Owl and Rabbit all say goodbye to Christopher Robin, because they know he is Going Away, even though they don’t know where he is going or why. Afterwards Pooh is the only one left, and he and Christopher Robin go for an aimless walk.

Christopher Robin asks Pooh what his favorite thing in the world to do is:

“‘Well,’ said Pooh, ‘what I like best–’ and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn’t know what that was called…”
‘I like that too,’ said Christopher Robin, ‘but what I like doing best is Nothing.’
‘How do you do Nothing?’ asked Pooh, after he had wondered for a long time.
‘Well, it’s when people call out at you just as you’re going off to do it, What are you going to do, Christopher Robin, and you say, Oh, nothing, and then you go and do it.’
‘Oh, I see,’ said Pooh.
‘This is a nothing sort of thingthat we’re doing now.’
‘Oh, I see,’ said Pooh again.
‘It means just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering.’
‘Oh!’ said Pooh.”

Then later we come to the part that made me sad:

“Then, suddenly again, Christopher Robin, who was still looking at the world, with his chin in his hands, called out ‘Pooh!’
‘Yes?’ said Pooh.
‘When I’m — when — Pooh!’
‘Yes, Christopher Robin?’
‘I’m not going to do Nothing any more.’
‘Never again?’
‘Well, not so much. They don’t let you.’
Pooh waited for him to go on, but he was silent again.
‘Yes, Christopher Robin?’ said Pooh helpfully.
‘Pooh, when I’m — you know — when I’m not doing Nothing, will you come up here sometimes?’
‘Just Me?’
‘Yes, Pooh.’
‘Will you be here too?’
‘Yes, Pooh, I will be, really. I promise I will be, Pooh.’
‘That’s good,’ said Pooh.
‘Pooh, promise you won’t forget about me, ever. Not even when I’m a hundred.’
Pooh thought for a little.
‘How old shall I be then?’
‘Ninety-nine.’
Pooh nodded.
‘I promise,’ he said.
Still with his eyes on the world Christopher Robin put out a hand and felt for Pooh’s paw.
‘Pooh,’ said Christopher Robin earnestly, ‘if I — if I’m not quite –’ he stopped and tried again — ‘Pooh, whatever happens, you will understand, won’t you?’
‘Understand what?’
‘Oh, nothing.’ He laughed and jumped to his feet. ‘Come on!’
‘Where?’ said Pooh.
‘Anywhere,’ said Christopher Robin.
So they went off together. But wherever they go, and whatever happens to them along the way, in that enchanted place on the top of the Forest, a little boy and his Bear will always be playing.”

It wasn’t until I read this, Enzo, that I really, truly faced the fact that you will someday grow up. It hit me like a thunderclap, and I nearly wept with such joy and sadness. It is the best and the hardest thing about being your daddy. I am so proud that you have grown into such a big four year old. But as quickly as these years have gone, I know the rest will go, and like Christopher Robin, the time will come for you to put away toys.

When that comes, I will comfort myself with memories of sitting with you, reading a Pooh story before bed, with you listening to the story and “all the things you can’t hear”, and me trying not to shed a tear that another day with you has come and gone.

Goodnight, sweet boy.